Asking Eric: New husband wants to go on vacation without his wife

Dear Eric I m a newly married -year-old woman who was previously a widow after years of marriage My present husband and I have been married for a little over a year We dated in high school and coincidentally ended up together Prior to getting married my husband didn t ever mention he demanded to go on an African Safari with his adult son and now it has come up frequently I have made it clear it upsets me that he wants to do this excursion without me and made it clear I am not paying for this adventure of his Why would I not be included But I would never desire to go on an African Safari either I don t understand it this wanting to be away from me for that long It hurts me deeply that they didn t do this stuff all those years when he was single Now he s retired so possibly that s why his son has come up with this idea His son barely comes around as he struggles with anxiety I do not know how to handle this It tears me apart to think this man I ve fallen in love with thinks nothing of being away from me for so long I married this man to be a couple through thick and thin Please help me come to grips with all of this Am I being unreasonable and unfair Left At Home Dear Left Let s look at this from your husband s point-of-view he s just now retired so he eventually has more time for bucket list items He s also newly married so it s likely that his free time is less available for events with his son than it might have been before you were together It makes sense then that they d want to do this once-in-a-lifetime trip together I would strongly encourage you to celebrate this with him instead of begrudging it In short it is unfair to hold this trip against him Be happy for your husband but don t beat yourself up too much Transitioning to this new relationship after a -year marriage is going to take particular adjustment You love each other but you re also still learning about each other But for the fitness of your relationship it will be pivotal for you to remember that both you and your husband have full lives While you re committed to building a life together there are going to be things that each of you does on your own This safari trip is not about you it isn t an example of your husband abandoning you Try to see it for what it is a rare opportunity for him to pursue a dream and a chance for you back home to find something that brings you delight as well When you re reunited you can tell each other what you ve learned and discovered Dear Eric I met an captivating man in recent weeks and agreed to a date and within a sparse minutes of the start of it we realized we had grown up in the same town and already knew each other I was younger by a couple of years and we didn t know each other well but we shared an extended friend group I have a vivid memory of being in the back of his truck when he intentionally hurt an animal while driving He did not express any remorse quite the opposite He wouldn t pull over and I became physically ill That image has stayed in my mind He says he s a different person now nearly years later I m having a hard time even thinking about getting past it Should I even try Can a -year-old horrible person turn into a -year-old person with integrity and empathy Should I try to get over this image that was seared into my -year-old brain Old Habits Related Articles Asking Eric Neighborhood gardener doesn t want to chat about garden Asking Eric Widowed mother-in-law wants to bring new beau for holidays Asking Eric Friend s complex demands strain friendship Asking Eric Neighbors yard feature ruins view Asking Eric Perfect husband refuses intimacy Dear Habits He may be a new version of himself and I certainly hope that s the incident But his rebirth doesn t require you to revisit your relationship I d say move on This isn t really about him This is about the events that you both have to live with in the past What you experienced in the past was traumatic and it hasn t left you ever since There may be little he can do to help lessen the emotional impact So declining to pursue a relationship isn t about punishing him in the present so much as it s about acknowledging certain actions in your shared history are too large to get around None of us is our past We are allowed to change to grow to make amends But our changes don t require other people to change or to forget This memory does not seem like a good foundation on which to build a relationship I know that dating can be hard but there are other fish in the sea Send questions to R Eric Thomas at eric askingeric com or P O Box Philadelphia PA Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas com