Asking Eric: My own husband mooches expensive meals off me

Dear Eric My husband of years has multiple sterling qualities The issue He is cheap Related Articles Asking Eric I m banned from their house because of what I announced about the kids violent battle Asking Eric I posted one photo to tell people of my son s wedding and he made me delete it Asking Eric I used to get gifts I didn t want Then I came up with this strategy Asking Eric Her Facebook behavior goaded me into a juvenile response Asking Eric He wants to come to Christmas with a woman who s not his wife He ll graciously allow me to treat him to expensive meals and say Thank you while overtipping the cute young server When he s anxiously asking if I am sure about paying he somehow never thinks to offer to pay for his own meal He is and hasn t worked a real job since I am still freelancing Both of us get Social Guard but mine is about half of his amount He apologizes for being cheap but it doesn t mean he s willing to pony up and he often exaggerates the cost of things such as the house insurance and bemoans having to pay for items post-pandemic Meanwhile he has critical bank accounts from dead relatives and forgets about the interest payments that mean that I don t get a tax refund anymore For my last birthday we went to a bistro and shared a sandwich while for his birthday he chose a pricey new Thai restaurant Our anniversary meal At home Before retiring he used to treat me to a restaurant meal either breakfast or lunch two or three times a month Now he says he s too aggravated when we leave the house so eating lunch out is stressful for him Should I just start going out to eat alone Picking Up the Check Dear Check For plenty of people fears of financial insecurity can often trump the reality of their financial situation This might be what s going on with your husband Feelings aren t facts but they can masquerade as such and drive our actions You may not be able to reason with him enough to rid him of the cheapness especially when he seems to pick and choose things about which to be cheap But you can give yourself and him tools to combat that mindset Talk with a financial adviser together It sounds like you keep your accounts separate so a conversation with a financial adviser can help with the process of creating a budget for shared expenses Budgets are often reflections of our values so this can be a safe space to talk about the value you place on going out to eat A budget will also give you concrete numbers to point to when his anxiety about the cost of something creeps up Things may feel too expensive when in reality they re well within the range of affordability Lastly do take yourself out now and then You ve earned this money and you should have the meals you want to have Dear Eric My son is turning on December My husband and I are at a quandary as to how to celebrate him There have been issues between my husband and him over things from his childhood We did a special trip for his older brother when he turned and would like to do something special for this son s th as well Our daughter-in-law has made special plans for him and we are not included I understand that but I need certain ideas as to how to celebrate this extra special year without rocking the boat I love my son with all my heart as I do all my children and want his th birthday to be memorable in a positive way Any suggestions Mom Who Wants to Celebrate Dear Mom The issues your son and your husband are having may be an obstacle but they aren t insurmountable And the thing that can get them on the path to resolution is the same thing that can get you answers about how to celebrate your son open communication It s not within your purview to try to fix things between them but you have your own relationship with your son and so I d encourage you to reach out and tell him what you narrated me You want to celebrate him you know things are formidable and you re looking for options Related Articles Harriette Cole I realized the credit card thief was my own son Miss Manners I don t want to be stuck at a party with women who don t like me Dear Abby My daughter has all these rules about my grandson and it s so stressful for me Asking Eric I m banned from their house because of what I stated about the kids violent meeting Dear Abby Parents cute idea leaves mentor in stressful situation This is deceptively simple and it s something that all of us so often neglect to do It can feel awkward to acknowledge tension in a relationship or to ask someone what they want or how they want to feel valued but that kind of vulnerability is the cornerstone of healthy communication Your son may not have a concrete idea about what you can do to celebrate him that s OK too But by bringing it up you introduce the idea that you want to celebrate him that he s critical to you and that you re putting his necessities first here That s going to go a long way Your celebration with your son may not end up happening for the actual th birthday but by laying the groundwork now you keep the lines of communication open for a meaningful celebration when everyone is ready Send questions to R Eric Thomas at eric askingeric com or P O Box Philadelphia PA Follow him on Instagram oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas com