Asking Eric: Longtime friend always has to have upper hand in conversation

Dear Eric I not long ago had lunch with an old friend We have known each other for more than years and get together three or four times a year to catch up On my way home I realized that every time I talked about something either my family or something I had done my friend couldn t wait to best me with her story She didn t ask one question just moved the subject to her Why do people do that It won t break our friendship but I won t be the person who reaches out next One Upped Dear Upped More often than not I think this habit is a sign of insecurity or a desire to impress Or both It can be annoying but when I encounter it I tend to see it as evidence that the person to whom I m speaking doesn t know how to make a connection effectively Ask yourself what you want from this friendship If you re only catching up a scarce times a year maybe it s worth reducing the number of interactions However if you value this person s presence in your life otherwise it s worth saying something before your next lunch Dear Eric I work as a monitor at the pool in the population where I live In recent days a guest that I have seen several times was at the pool with her spouse two toddlers and baby She and I had unfailingly exchanged pleasantries so when she went to use the restroom with the baby in her arms as her spouse watched the kids I questioned if she requested me to hold the baby for her She declined graciously and I returned to my tasks Since then however she has avoided me She has her spouse check their family in with me no longer speaks to me and redirects her children instantly if they come to me to say hi or ask for a bandage or whatever toddler-type business that they want to engage in Eric I feel so bad While I didn t intend to make her uncomfortable I clearly did Do I need to address this or stick with my current behavior of being pleasant but maintaining a polite and professional distance Pool Faux Pas Dear Pool This seems to be a simple misunderstanding so I wouldn t beat myself up if I were you But polite and professional distance will be the best option And more to the point it seems that s what she s looking for If you had a closer relationship I d suggest you tell her I think that I offended you in particular way and I want to make it right Would you let me But more conversation seems counter to what she s looking for right now Who knows it may not really be about you or the interaction at all Staying in your lane might be the best option both in and out of the pool Dear Eric As a retired hospice chaplain I would like to comment on the newest letter from the person who has a terminal illness and by extension all those who might feel isolated from friends and or family because of a challenging wellness situation Wanting Company First I hear you You are still the same person that you consistently have been You crave quality time with those you care about the bulk but they distance themselves Now I am addressing those reading this who hesitate to visit Not knowing what to do or say is no reason to not see them Just show up and soon either by calling or visiting Of subject contact them first for when it s convenient to visit Bring a prepared meal or two If you ask how they are doing know that they may say lousy as the writer did Do not say Is there anything I can do for you Instead be specific Examples I want to visit next week at your convenience and or will bring you a couple of meals I am available to take you to your next practitioner s appointment I can do several errands for you sort your mail etc And then follow through if they accept your kindness Related Articles Asking Eric New husband wants to go on vacation without his wife Asking Eric Neighborhood gardener doesn t want to chat about garden Asking Eric Widowed mother-in-law wants to bring new beau for holidays Asking Eric Friend s complex requirements strain friendship Asking Eric Neighbors yard feature ruins view Absolutely listen intently and without judgment so they feel free to share whatever is on their mind Know that whatever they tell you or don t tell you is OK It is also fine to hold their hand and sit with them in silence for a while taking your cues from them In my experience attending to one who is seriously ill can enrich both your lives Company Dear Company These actions are so beautifully put and so clear Often we feel we don t know what to do when friends and loved ones are ailing or suffering But the answer is deeply human be there say I don t know Say I m here Send questions to R Eric Thomas at eric askingeric com or P O Box Philadelphia PA Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas com