Asking Eric: I know what I need to do about my daughter’s childhood friend, but I feel bad

Dear Eric My daughter s friend from childhood Lucy now years old had lifelong issues with her physically and mentally abusive parents Related Articles Asking Eric Can the boss make my co-worker shave Asking Eric The cheating husband begged to be our friend again Asking Eric Once again my parents have hijacked my birthday and made it about them Asking Eric How can I spend my new money and still keep it a secret from my friends Asking Eric She chose a hurtful way to let me know I can t come to the wedding Lucy inevitably looked up to me as a thriving single father raising two daughters on my own my other being now and about to enter her senior year in high school Lucy moved in with her mother but they had issues and Lucy is no longer welcome to live with her She came back to town basically homeless and urged if she could stay a while I gave her permission as long as she helps with house chores and doesn t smoke or vape drink or upset the household She at first slept on our living room couch and got a part-time job and I hoped this would be a short-term thing After one month she moved into my oldest daughter s former bedroom Now this has developed into a negative situation She got fired from the job She does minimal chores only if prodded and has taken on a nasty disposition She goes back and forth into my yard to smoke and vape and doesn t acknowledge me except to argue that she s not a slave and can t wait to leave when she is able I know what has to be done but I feel bad for her My youngest daughter wants me to have a conversation to get her out Any advice on how to do this without craziness No-Good-Deed Dad Dear Dad Sometimes good deeds need good parameters and yes consequences You have a surrogate parental relationship with Lucy but in fact you re not her father and so you re stuck in a kind of limbo when it comes to guidance and authority That s tough However Lucy s behavior is creating a disruptive context for your younger daughter that should take precedence Your younger daughter doesn t have a recourse here this is her home and she s still a minor So I would take seriously her request that you have a conversation There are guidance available to Lucy from employment and housing assistance programs to job placement services to free or low-cost mental physical condition counseling When you talk to her make it clear that the rules she agreed to aren t being followed use concrete examples The remedy could be her leaving or it could be a modification of the living arrangement with very clear boundaries and very clear consequences Lucy is an adult and can be responsible for her actions and the consequences thereof even though the abuse she s suffered is putting a roadblock in her path to success There is a way out but yet another contentious home conditions is not helping her as much as you want it to Dear Eric My husband of years has two daughters and a son all achieving with families of their own The daughters live several hours away the son out west My husband has in recent months been in the hospital several times Not once did his daughters come to visit him He s a good father he loves them and sends cards and gifts He gave them a good life I don t get it I know he feels bad What s the cure Dear Eric I m a happily married woman who talks to a gay guy who frequently walks in my neighborhood We have so much in common I lately gave him specific plants from my garden and we ve texted a bit Totally put I enjoy his company He seems receptive to starting a friendship with me He commented I could stop by his house sometime to chat I sense that he s nervous that I don t know he has his partner living with him I know he lives there The last thing I want to do is make him or his partner feel uncomfortable in any way Should I really stop by and introduce myself New Friend Dear Friend In the immortal words of Shania Twain Come on over Come on in Maybe call or text first to make sure it s a good time Related Articles Harriette Cole I called my friend out for acting strange and she left the party Miss Manners She keeps saying we need to go out and get crazy I absolutely do not want to Dear Abby It s none of my fiance s business how much I spend Asking Eric Can the boss make my co-worker shave Harriette Cole It s unfair that my ex-girlfriend stated me to move out Consider bringing a little gift a plant or something He extended the invitation and it seems that it was genuinely offered so I say take your friendship to the next level by accepting I m curious about the nervousness he might be feeling Do you live in a neighborhood that wouldn t be welcoming to a gay couple If so your visit could be a great help to him and his partner extending a welcome and making sure they know they ve got a friendly and safe house on the block Worried Wife Dear Wife Call the daughters Tell them that it s central to you and fundamental to their dad that he gets their encouragement They may be caught up in the busyness of their own lives so alerting them to this issue opportunity could be a gift Send questions to R Eric Thomas at eric askingeric com or P O Box Philadelphia PA Follow him on Instagram oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas com