Asking Eric: How do I evict the person living rent-free in my head?

Dear Eric I had a starter marriage a multitude of years ago that only lasted a couple of years Related Articles Asking Eric We were mortified to hear how our adult kids behaved at the party Asking Eric He thinks it s my fault that our teen daughter doesn t want to see him Asking Eric My son has video of me in a drunken rage but he won t show it to me Asking Eric Should I tell her the real reason we didn t go to her wedding Asking Eric I know my toxic brother the golden child is going to come after me at the party We got married too young and I swiftly realized that I had nothing in common with my wife We divorced but she returned to me after a insufficient months wanting to get back together The predicament is she admitted cheating on me with a married man We tried to make a go of it but gave up after a sparse months Fast-forward to in the current era I m happily married with kids and grandkids An old friend of mine required in passing if I knew what happened to the first wife She married twice more and lives out of state I had pretty much forgotten about her and now I have memories both good and bad Question This person lives rent-free in my head how do I get rid of her Enough Already Dear Enough Already When the idea of someone has taken up free residence in your head it s time to start charging rent What does that mean in practice Make the idea of her your first marriage earn its place Right now it s living rent-free because it s asking you questions you seemingly can t answer what could have happened what went wrong what if why et cetera You can start asking the idea of her questions back Why are you here What do you have to teach me Because ultimately this is just a conversation with yourself So in essence you re asking yourself what feels unresolved And the answer may well be nothing is unresolved But whatever the answer is resisting the thought is only going to give it more power Instead try a form of acceptance or even a mindful approach when memories come flooding back Acknowledge that this is a part of your story and it s part of what got you to the place you are in the modern day Affirm for yourself that the past and the present aren t in competition Thank the memory for the part it played in getting you to your present And then release it Everything that touches us in life travels with us That doesn t mean it gets to dictate the terms of the arrangement nor does it have ultimate power over us Dear Eric I m living with my mother who has dementia and am her main caregiver My brother only contacts me just before coming with his wife and -year-old daughter to our family home once a year for a week When he leaves we don t hear from him I have questioned him several times to call to speak with Mum He calls only when prompted and even then not every time As a consequence there isn t much interaction between my mother and her granddaughter which I think is sad He commented he wants to come for Christmas but I don t want them to come It s like they are on holiday I prepare for their visit i e making up beds cleaning and food shopping In this regard I m done with being the maid They usually go to shopping centers sightseeing and taking the daughter out They don t offer help or sponsorship Because I am the only sibling confronting him about his lack of contact he resents me and is disrespectful to me He has become closer to one of our sisters who never broaches the subject He often sides with her or makes it look as if I m stupid by making sarcastic remarks I just feel like cutting ties with him Your thoughts on this please Not a Maid Dear Not a Maid From your letter your frustrations seem justified Caregiving family members often feel isolation frustration or anger at the lack of understanding and promotion from other family members You re not alone in this You don t need to wait on your brother or even formally host him but if you tell him not to visit there s a danger that the narrative becomes about whether you re keeping your mother from him That will only make things more contentious Related Articles Harriette Cole I just want them to admit the truth about my childhood Miss Manners I want to sit with the fun kids but not hurt my boring friend s feelings Dear Abby My ex s family doesn t believe he s my kid s father What should I do Asking Eric We were mortified to hear how our adult kids behaved at the party Dear Abby I ve been explained to apologize to my daughter s lazy immature boyfriend Instead prior to his visit tell him There s a lot of work that goes into making life relaxed for Mum So I won t be available to make up the beds clean or go shopping But this is our family home so you know where everything is You re welcome to make yourself at ease Big caveat This is not a perfect explanation by any means I suspect you ll still end up cleaning up after they re gone But what it does is it begins to reassert a new boundary If they want a hotel they can go to one This can lead to new and stronger boundaries down the line This may not be the time to cut him off but you don t have to give more than you have Send questions to R Eric Thomas at eric askingeric com or P O Box Philadelphia PA Follow him on Instagram oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas com