Asking Eric: Hoarder’s friend wants to help but doesn’t want to risk causing shame

Dear Eric I have a friend of several decades and not long ago learned she is a hoarder We inevitably met outside our homes for coffee or lunch I just assumed it was more convenient A sparse months ago she texted to tell me she s been embarrassed for me to find out her secret She also sought me for help I was thrilled and offered to help but she refused to make a commitment Later I unveiled out her therapist insisted she reach out to a friend for help She also confessed she had no intention of letting me near her house Her mother and daughter are quick to express their disgust at her trouble making her shame worse I feel nothing but compassion for my friend I d leave the difficulty alone except my friend does a fair amount of animal rescue particularly cats and kittens She commented one of the rooms in her house is covered with uncleaned feces and mice droppings I m worried about her vitality Pushing my friend will only make her withdraw I can t call officials as we live in a small town and she is a well-respected educator Do you have any suggestions Hoarder s Friend Dear Friend There are avenues for help but as with any other compulsive behavior she has to be willing to take a step toward them You might give her the book Buried in Treasure Help for Compulsive Acquiring Saving and Hoarding by David F Tolin Randy O Frost and Gail Steketee and even ask if she d be willing to do a book club with you about it Perhaps reading a chapter a month or a week You might also suggest she give herself the homework of discussing the chapter with her therapist Additionally it may be time to reach out to someone else who has more extensive training I know you don t want to expose her to society scrutiny or embarrassment but the threat to her fitness and the wellness of her pets may necessitate bringing in chosen executives Shame can be managed the loss of life can t and a large number of people who hoard live in places that pose extreme threat for fire and can trap themselves or firefighters inside Your local or state fitness department will have support for people who hoard Plenty of have so-called hoarding task forces with connections to police fire and mental wellness assistance Often they re trained in sensitivity and discretion I encourage you to reach out Dear Eric I have two casual friends who long ago moved to different parts of the country but who have sent me messages every couple of months for multiple years These are not friends I would ever visit or even call on the phone and they seem to feel the same They have written that they want to keep in touch yet their messages contain nothing more than a greeting followed by a perfunctory response like been busy when I ask what they ve been up to I used to offer details about work my hobbies my spouse and where I ve traveled on vacations without acknowledgment or reciprocation on their part Frankly I don t see this as keeping in touch at all Would it be rude after all these years to stop writing them back Why Bother Dear Why Bother Various people especially in the age of a quick text message or email are satisfied with a simple greeting Others like yourself and me frankly want a little more substance in the correspondence The sentiment is lovely true but if it s feeling more empty than fulfilling for you it s fine to pivot You have a limited options You can reply with equally perfunctory well-wishes thereby managing your expectations of the friendship and avoiding resentment You can as you suggested let it peter out by not replying Or you can address it directly I d love to hear more about what s going on with you Care to give me an update In answer to your question I don t think it s especially rude to let the sporadic texts go unanswered but it does leave a loose social thread Better sometimes to say what s on your mind Dear Eric I have various advice for the person who took her mother-in-law on a girls trip and her mother-in-law complained the whole time Trip Gone Wrong My own MIL was very passive-aggressive in a similar way I spent years trying to please her and it never worked In the end in year I decided to stop bending over backwards trying to please her Related Articles Asking Eric Goody-two-shoes sister rejected by drug-addicted sibling Asking Eric Uncle s joking text to niece offends mom Asking Eric Letter writer can t get answers about friend s death Asking Eric Son s in-laws stake a claim on every holiday leaving parents in the cold Asking Eric Grandparents wonder how long to keep trying to reach estranged granddaughter I at last realized I had to accept the type of person she was and I created an atmosphere of cordiality that worked for me New Peace Dear New Peace This is so wise We can t change others but we can change how we respond to the actions of others Send questions to R Eric Thomas at eric askingeric com or P O Box Philadelphia PA Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas com