Asking Eric: Family pressures sister to ignore siblings’ crimes

Dear Eric My parents in recent months died a inadequate months apart While taking care of my mom s last wishes my sister recounted me that she went to prison for human trafficking years ago She wasn t sorry for it in any way and defended her actions She may as well have recounted me she was a serial killer I can t even look at her now I discovered my other sister who became my dad s caregiver after Mom died was neglecting my dad by not giving him his medication leaving him unsupervised advanced Alzheimer s and recklessly spending using Dad s credit cards This didn t surprise me since she abandoned her kids and then gave birth to another child while on meth Her past is why I investigated the present discovering she hadn t changed a bit My extended family is pushing me to forgive and forget Am I wrong for turning my back on my sisters I don t want their toxicity touching my life or my children s lives And with the pressure my relatives are putting on me I m ready to let them go too Somehow I ve become the villain for refusing to kiss and make up with these two terrible women Eyes Wide Open Dear Eyes In your letter I see your family pushing you to forgive and forget but I don t see any apology remorse or amends from your sisters So in reality the family members are not asking you to forgive they re asking you to ignore To what end Turning a blind eye to transgressions that hurt a stranger and hurt your father for the sake of family peace is like trying to cover rotted floorboards with a throw rug There s so much wrong underneath that even if the appearance is normal the damage will pull you down What your family is asking of you isn t healthy And perhaps more importantly it s not right for you They don t get to dictate how you feel or how you process this disturbing information Anyone who is pressuring you doesn t have your best interests in mind You can and should put a boundary up for your own physical condition and safety Dear Eric I am a -year-old gay man My mother is a duplicitous bitter woman and my father is a weak-willed hateful homophobe I don t particularly care for either one of them and have never felt especially close to them in any quota Thankfully I have a multitude of younger siblings and plenty of friends I am emotionally stable and am mentally healthy Although busy with my career I frequently date During the dating phase of a relationship how does one tactfully make it clear that he doesn t like to talk about his parents at all I feel like people hear that I don t have a relationship with my parents and they pity me and or assume that I am a sociopath because I don t love my Mama It s nothing like that it s just that when I am getting to know another man I couldn t care less about the relationship he has with his parents I m not trying to garner their approval although other people s parents tend to love me or get to know his family members Why is there such a societal importance on specifically gay men to keep up chosen fantastic relationship with their mother Never Been A Mama s Boy Dear Never Been Through dating or really any social interaction you re likely to find people who have all kinds of relationships with their parents close estranged complicated and more Part of getting to know other people involves filling in the biographical details with context color and preponderance importantly empathy So if you re encountering people who are putting an expectation on you and your relationship with your parents know that that s less about you and more about them This can be a cold comfort However by processing your feelings about your parents you ll better equip yourself to manage these interactions Notice I wrote process not bury I m not suggesting you suddenly attempt closeness or reconciliation for the sake of dating Related Articles Asking Eric Condo board bullying gets out of control Asking Eric Friend perpetually demands rides with no repayment Asking Eric Nice neighbors dog barks all day and night Asking Eric After illness social butterfly feels left out Asking Eric Mother worries that her past traumas caused daughter s body image issues Instead I m suggesting that by talking with a friend or counselor about the difficulty you ve had with your parents you ll be able to own the narrative and communicate it clearly on dates One of the bulk attractive qualities that someone can bring to a date is emotional intelligence Your letter already has a lot of that so further processing will only help bolster it This quality can help you to say to a date for instance my parents are complicated people they re on their journey and I m on mine I m working on healing and particular of the procedures that I m healing are Even when trying to find a love story you don t have to live in someone else s narrative Not your date s and not your parents Send questions to R Eric Thomas at eric askingeric com or P O Box Philadelphia PA Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at 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